And why awareness alone doesn’t break the cycle.

Most clients don’t come to coaching unaware of their patterns.

They know they procrastinate.
They know they pull away when things get close.
They know they sabotage momentum right before something shifts.

You’ll probably hear the “I know” a lot in your sessions.

What they don’t understand and what most coaching fail to explain, is why the pattern keeps looping even after awareness. Even after they have actioned it a few times, created the task lists, chucked it in the calendar but still it hasn’t fully shifted. 

This is where frustration sets in.
“I know better – so why am I still doing this?”

The answer isn’t a lack of discipline or desire.
It’s that self-sabotage isn’t a mindset problem.

It’s a nervous system and identity problem.

Self-Sabotage Is Not Random…It’s Predictable

What we label as self-sabotage is actually a highly organized internal response.

Clients loop when forward movement threatens:

• Emotional safety
  
• Attachment
  
• A familiar sense of self/identity
  

The nervous system doesn’t ask, “Will this make me happy?”
It asks, “Will this keep me safe and intact?”

If growth, success, intimacy, or visibility registers as danger, even unconsciously, the system will intervene.

Not once.
Every time.

That’s the loop.

Even when we are like “but how is this keeping me safe?” The body picks up safety as familiarity. 

Literally the fear of the unknown is real.

The Nervous System’s Job Is Not Fulfilment.

Clients don’t repeat patterns because they enjoy suffering – as much as sometimes we think we do.
They repeat patterns because the familiar feels survivable.

Self-sabotaging behaviors create immediate regulation, even if they cause long-term pain:

• Procrastination reduces the threat of being judged
  
• Collapsing early avoids the vulnerability of sustained success
  
• Overthinking keeps emotions at bay
  
• Creating distance restores nervous system control
  

From the body’s perspective, the behavior works.

Until a new way of being feels just as safe, the system will keep choosing the known.

Beneath the Loop: Identity Preservation

Here’s the piece most people miss.

Self-sabotage doesn’t just regulate emotion, it preserves identity.

Every loop protects a story about who the client is allowed to be:

• “I’m someone with potential, not someone who failed.”
  
• “I’m the helper, not the one who needs.”
  
• “I’m independent, not dependent.”
  
  “I do the leaving. I don’t get left.”
  
  

Change threatens these identities.

So when clients approach a threshold:

• Finishing the project 
• Deepening intimacy and connection
• Stepping into visibility

The nervous system activates the behaviour that keeps the identity that is most familiar intact.

The loop isn’t about not wanting change.
It’s about not wanting to lose who they’ve been.

Why Awareness Doesn’t Interrupt the Pattern

This is where many clients (and coaches) get stuck.

Insight lives in the cognitive brain.
Self-sabotage lives in the body and nervous system.

A client can clearly articulate:

• Where the pattern comes from
  
• What they “should” do differently
  
• How it no longer serves them
  

And still feel frozen, overwhelmed, or compelled to repeat it.

Why?

Because the body is responding to embodied beliefs, not thoughts.

Beliefs like:

• “If I succeed, I’ll be alone.”
  
• “If I’m seen, I’ll be rejected.”
  
• “If I relax control, something bad will happen.”
  

These aren’t ideas to debate.
They’re survival mechanisms, learned through experience and built evidence in the body.

Until the nervous system learns something new through felt safety, the loop stays intact.

Why Clients Loop Even When Coaching Is “Working”

This is a critical point for both coaches and clients.

Loops often intensify:

• Right before breakthroughs
  
• As trust deepens
  
• When expansion becomes real
  

From the nervous system’s perspective, this is when the risk is highest.

Forward movement threatens:

• Old attachment strategies
  
• Identity stability
  
• The conditions under which love or safety were once secured
  

The loop is not a failure.
It’s protection.

Understanding this reframes the work entirely.

The Question That Interrupts the Loop

The most powerful shift for a client is not asking:

“How do I stop doing this?”

But instead:

“What is this protecting me from right now?”

And the thing is, we are not asking the mind…we are asking the body, the nervous system and the part that feels threatened by a change in the pattern.

This shift in questioning the system from shame into curiosity.

And curiosity creates space.

When the behavior is no longer treated as the enemy, the nervous system no longer has to defend it so fiercely, and you get to create more safety within yourself.

That’s where real choice begins.

What Actually Breaks the Cycle

Clients don’t exit self-sabotage by forcing new behavior.

They exit by:

• building capacity to feel what was once unsafe
  
• integrating the disowned parts beneath the pattern
  
• experiencing dysregulation while staying in connection and expansion
  

This is not a cognitive process.
It’s an embodied one.

And it’s why self-sabotage loops until the underlying system, not just the strategy, is addressed.

The Shift 

If a client keeps looping, the question isn’t:
“Why won’t they change?”

It’s:
“What would change cost their nervous system and their identity?”

When that question is honored, rather than overridden, the loop stops being a dead end and becomes a doorway.

Behavioural Self-Sabotage was a key theme inside our Shadow Alchemy Certification Level 1 in February.

Each month inside the certification, we break down the key patterns, behaviours, and core themes that our coaches and their clients experience so you’re not just gaining knowledge – you’re developing the depth and skillset to navigate real-life coaching scenarios with confidence.

This isn’t a one-and-done certification you complete and then quietly wonder, “What do I do from here?”

Inside Shadow Alchemy, you receive lifetime access to all classes and our practitioner community, so your growth continues long after the initial training. You’re supported as you refine your craft, deepen your understanding, and expand your capacity as a coach.

If you’re ready for a training that evolves with you, not one you outgrow, Shadow Alchemy was built for that next level.

Lurinda Vollmer – Support Coach, Shadow Alchemy Certification.