You are excited to get into your coaching session.
You feel aligned with your purpose, grounded in your passion, ready to support real transformation.

And then you get on the call and you are met with…

“I don’t know.”

Your mind pauses almost like the internet has frozen.

What do you mean you do not know?
What are you feeling?
What is keeping you stuck?
What brought you here?

But they do not know that either.

You can feel how close they are to something. The insight. The shift. The relief. You want them to experience the difference. You want them to feel how good life can be on the other side of this pattern.

Instead you are sitting in the space while your brain starts running a million miles an hour trying to figure out how to navigate the “I don’t know” without pushing, fixing, or making it worse.

If this sounds familiar you are not alone.

Inside our Shadow Alchemy Community this became a hot topic during one of our Coaching Mastery sessions led by our founder Caitlin. Because like you she has encountered this moment countless times.

And if we are being honest most of us have been the “I don’t know” client at some point too.

Why “I Don’t Know” Is Not the Problem You Think It Is

Here is the reframe that changes everything.

“I don’t know” is rarely about a lack of insight or self awareness.

It’s not them being a resistant client or purposely pushing you away (even though it can feel like that).

It is often a protective response from the nervous system. A pause in their body created by safety or the lack of it. A sign that the system has not learned how to slow down and notice yet or this is too big for their body to handle.

Many clients live in constant activation. Their bodies are braced, guarded or disconnected. When you ask them to look inward their system does not respond with language or growth to process things immediately. It responds with protection.

And protection to our nervous system can look like shutdown, the wall, the “I don’t know”.

So instead of clarity you get, “I don’t know.”

Not because they are resisting you but because their body does not feel safe enough to go there yet.

The Mistake Most Coaches Make in This Moment

When we hear “I don’t know” it can quietly trigger our own internal pressure, nervous system and shadows.

Am I asking the wrong questions?
Am I missing something obvious?
Why are they not accessing this?

Without realizing it we start searching for the right question, the right angle, the right breakthrough moment.

But here is what shifts the session instantly.

You’ve moved from being present from the client and their experience to your own internal world, focusing on what you need to do instead of what they clients need right now.

For the client, clarity does not come before safety. It comes after it.

Before insight or processing the nervous system needs permission to slow down.

Stop Looking for Emotions and Start with Sensation

Many clients believe they need to name the correct emotion. Sad. Angry. Frustrated. Overwhelmed.

When they cannot find the right word they freeze.

A powerful reframe is to gently redirect them into the sensation of now whilst also holding the energy that there is nothing to fix or change.

Instead of trying to name “what you are feeling?” 

What are you noticing in your body right now?

Tightness in the chest?
A knot in the stomach?
Heaviness?
Numbness?

Sensation is the bridge. Emotion comes later.

This is why somatic awareness is foundational in Shadow Alchemy work. The body speaks long before the mind can explain.

When “I Don’t Know” Is Protecting a Truth

Sometimes “I don’t know” is not confusion at all.

It is protection.

Naming the truth would make it real and real truths can bring shame, grief, fear or consequences a client is not ready to face yet.

In these moments the goal is not to push for honesty.

It is to respect readiness.

We meet the client where they are not where we want them to be.

Remembering that their experience is truth to them and that what they are experiencing or not experiencing is not actually right or wrong. It is not up to us as a coach to decide how they show up to our session, how tight they hold onto their safety net or protection strategies.

It’s up to us as a coach to be the guide whilst they are the leader on their own journey.

The Coach’s Shadow of Over Responsibility

“I don’t know” does not just activate the client. It activates the coach too.

Your client is a mirror to what you need to see within yourself right now.

Two shadows I see a lot in coaches:

The fixer who believes they need to help the client get it now in order to get out of the big feelings they are feeling.
The good coach who believes that if transformation is not fast enough they are failing or not good enough.

When these shadows take over presence turns into pressure and pressure slows the process.

Your client is a mirror to what you need to see within yourself right now.

What would happen if that client didn’t have a “breakthrough” this session?
What would YOU feel if they didn’t shift from a negative emotion in the session?
What would it mean if they couldn’t find the gift in their session?

Transformation does not happen on our timeline.
It happens on the nervous system’s timeline.

And the nervous system wants safety, a redirection for ourselves is “How can I build more safety in this container and with my client?”

A Final Reminder for Coaches

When a client says “I don’t know” nothing has gone wrong.

You are not failing.
They are not blocked.
And the work is still happening just beneath the surface.

Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is slow down create safety and trust that clarity will arrive when the system is ready.

If you’re wanting to step into a space where you learn to meet yourself, create spaces where the nervous system is respected and for the “I don’t know” to be the biggest breakthroughs.

Our Certification is for you – Click here.

Lurinda – Support Coach for Shadow Alchemy Certification.