By Lurinda Vollmer

I’m so glad you asked…

I didn’t really understand either and with the influx of shadow work becoming more popular it can get lost in the noise of social media, reducing it to “meet your shadow, just reframe your mind to positivity and watch your world change”.

I’m not dissing gratefulness and journaling or anything other mindset tools really. They truly have their place in this space. But if you’ve been trying to heal for a long time and nothing seems to be clicking or shifting, I’d highly recommend looking inward and experiencing shadow work.

So… What Is It Really?

Shadow Work is working with the parts of you, the parts that through conditioning both societal, cultural and upbringing, were suppressed, shamed, judged and unsafe to be expressed.

Remember when you were a kid and you were told to share because “sharing is caring” and if you don’t share that’s being selfish?

Suddenly, you’re being reprimanded because you didn’t share even though it may have been your toy. I had this little foot that I refused to share (The Land before Time was my childhood love).

Shadow Work is working with the parts of you, the parts that through conditioning both societal, cultural and upbringing, were suppressed, shamed, judged and unsafe to be expressed.

Remember when you were a kid and you were told to share because “sharing is caring” and if you don’t share that’s being selfish?

Suddenly, you’re being reprimanded because you didn’t share even though it may have been your toy. I had this little foot that I refused to share (The Land before Time was my childhood love).

Back to being selfish – Your body contracts with being in “trouble” or told off. That’s your nervous system now recognising that being selfish is not okay, that you’ll get in trouble if you don’t share.

We learn through praise or punishment not just on a surface level but on a somatic level. You do something that is deemed as “good” and your body remembers and the same goes with doing things that are deemed “bad.” 

We just get to meet the parts of ourselves that have been put down or shamed and allow them to speak, to learn what’s safe for us and how to live in our wholeness.

You’re not dramatic, it’s just stored in your body.

I know how it may seem, that’s a bit dramatic learning selfish is bad – how can that affect you? Well, twenty years later you’re a people pleaser who can’t take time out for themselves or have anything to themselves because when you do your nervous system goes “that’s not allowed” and fires out signals to your body that it’s not safe.

The sweaty palms, the heart pumping so hard it might burst out of your chest, the 2am wake up replaying everything you said. You know what I’m talking about.

It’s not just those childhood lessons but also in the little moments too.

I had this moment when I was 17 or 18 that changed the way I found relationship partners. My Dad is the biggest sweetheart, he’d buy the pads and tampons, know when my period was and also be this cuddly bear. My pop was so similar and being a very small family with no cousins or aunties and uncles present in my life, I felt like that I’d meet someone like my Dad.

I truly believed that all men were like him… until I had a boyfriend’s Dad scream at me because I had a curfew and needed to be driven home. 

I remember my whole body in shock.

Then I started to see the evidence of other men from the lens of being hurt.

For years, I gave up on looking for decent men and was happy when someone paid attention to me (that’s another wound for another day). 

I truly believed that to find men like my Dad and Pop was unattainable, and if someone was kind of close it was fake.

So, years later I had to meet that part of myself.

The part that didn’t believe I’d find anyone who would love me, take care of me and be kind. I felt too much for asking for kindness, that I was dramatic for thinking I’d be worthy of a man like my Dad and a little silly to believe I could be loved wholeheartedly.

I had to show parts of myself that I could love myself first and allow people in, allow people to see all parts of me, the parts that truly wanted to love without having to shapeshift.

I had to meet more parts of myself so I could hold my standards of being loved, so I could stop sabotaging my relationships and also heal the view I have of men.

It’s funny now, I have a son. I truly believed that a higher power gave me that gift, because I get to allow him to learn to be kind, to be loving, to listen to other people – the complete opposite of the men I was attracting.

Another funny piece, my partner when I met him didn’t have a lot of similarities to my Dad, or maybe I didn’t see them – but nearly 9 years later so much has changed. I see so many similarities, the parts I loved about my Dad – the way I feel loved and taken care of are so clear to me now.

I couldn’t see the things until I saw the parts of myself that were deeply hurt.